Mexican Space Claw

It serves me right for watching the 1970 documentary Chariots of the Gods before bed. I had super profound, life altering information implanted directly into my brain by the universal powers, the Gods, Monty Python, or possibly ALIENS.

The dream

[Set in an empty room much like the mind connection between Mork and Orson]

Disembodied booming voice of Eric Idle: We have a message for you to take to the masses. Heed our wisdom.

Me: Oooh a message.

Voice: Yes a message. [voice changes to regular Eric Idle] Will you at least pretend to be in awe?

Me: [feigning awe] Oh great powerful voice from the heavens, impart your wisdom upon me.

Voice: Now you’re just patronizing me.

Me: You asked me to. Just give me the message and be done with it.

Voice: Fine! I have a new method of bridging the minds of humans with other humans in order to find greater understanding… blah, blah, blah. We are all one. The universe is connected. You were a witch; you know the rest of this profound intro stuff, right?

Me: You are terrible at this new agey guru shit.

Voice; That’s because I’m just filling in for Bennie, the usual guy. Apparently, he accidentally stapled his finger to his penis. We’re still not sure what he was doing.

Me: Must have been a big staple.

Voice: Have you seen how big the office supplies are up here? It’s like being trapped in the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

Me: Where are you? Heaven?

Voice: No, Canada.

Me: Are you saying Canada runs the universe?

Voice: Don’t be ridiculous. This is just a branch office. Our headquarters are in Mexico.

Me: Mexico runs the universe?

Voice: Not ALL of Mexico, you git. Only the part running through the big space portal.

Me: There’s a Mexican space portal that sends messages to women sleeping in Kentucky?

Voice: Exactly. Now here is the message. It’s a magical sex thing, act, do-dad, that does pretty much the same thing as the Vulcan Mind Meld. I must warn you to use it cautiously. It’s powerful. A man melted a woman’s genitals once by doing it wrong.

Me: Ok, I definitely don’t want to melt my vagina. Dare I ask for more info?

Voice: It’s called the Mexican Space Claw. Here, he puts one hand on her, you know, lady parts, like this. [shows me something with a disembodied hand gesture in the air]. Then you put your hand on his forehead, like this [again hand gestures thin air]. Then you both make sex noises that sound a bit like whale song.

[he tries to mimic sexy whale song, it’s not sexy at all]

Voice: Let me just show you a picture.

[he pulls out a copy of the Kama Sutra coloring book and points to a picture of a sea turtle]

Voice: Oh, that’s not the right page. [flips pages nervously]

Me: Have you ever actually had sex?

Voice: Disembodied voices don’t’ have sex. Not that it looks like much fun. Your faces are all squished up like you just ate a lemon or something. I’m just the messenger, the middle voice.

Me: Ok, are you going to actually show me what the Mexican Space Claw is? Or do I have to look it up on the internet?

Voice: It’s not on the internet. This information is super secret. How about I just download this shit directly into your brain?

Me: That may be less embarrassing for you.

Voice: Who taught you respect for booming godlike voices?

Me: Kevin Smith.

Voice: Figures. I’m out of here. I’m already late for a voice over gig with the BBC.

Me: When will I have a chance to try this Mexican Space Claw?

Voice: When you find the sacred Mexican claw.

Me: There’s a quest involved now?

Voice: Love, there is always a quest involved. Now you get to explore all kinds of shit made in Mexico. Get to it.

I learned two things from this dream

Never watch the 1970 documentary Chariots of the Gods before bed.
ALWAYS watch the 1970 documentary Chariots of the Gods before bed because you learn alien sex moves that meld genitals and minds. I’m like a motherfucking super hero now.